The story goes back to sometime in 2018 when I started to get really interested in meditation, as a way to improve my concentration. A friend of mine from the then company I worked at, PhonePe, told me that he had done a Vipassana course. I had a bunch of questions for him. His discipline and devotion to his Yoga and meditation practice after that, was incredible. He would wake up everyday at 4:30 AM and do the needful. It did not matter what time he slept. I remember being on a trip to Goa with him, and while he being a senior-ish member of the team stayed with us until a good 1 AM (we partied until 5 AM), he woke up yet again at 4:30 AM and went about his day. That, stayed with me.
Fast forward to 2019 and I have left PhonePe, tried to start a business and shut it down within a few months. I am in need of a reset and I think of Vipassana again. This would be the perfect time, right? It requires 10 days of complete cut-off from the outside world. I have very few responsibilities and a reluctant partner to support me — she did not think me being away for 10 days was a good idea — through this endeavor. To her credit, and with some convincing, she understood the intent behind was not renunciation, but to be more present. I apply for the course and I wait for the happy confirmation email. Lo and behold, my application was rejected, for reasons I have still not fully understood. I accepted it as my fate and kept moving forward. I installed apps like Headspace to find my own path into the world of meditation and not rely on getting acceptance into a Vipassana program.
More time did pass. Indeed, many years did. I am running a small SaaS business. The dependency on me is pretty high. I am struggling with immense self-doubt and self-inflicted wounds of pressure. My company is my identity. I have an on-and-off meditation practice. I think of going to Vipassana again. But I can’t find a 10-day window to do so.
Finally, in July 2026, I have sold the business and gave myself some free time to focus on my wellbeing. A friend of mine, Rubal — she has done one Vipassana course before — was discussing the course. Like me, she too was going through a lot of changes in her own life and felt the need for a reset. We discussed going to a program and found one that runs from 19th of August to the 29th of August in Bangalore. We both applied for it as soon as we could. This time, I filled out the form carefully and my application went through! I was finally going to the course after a seven year timelapse. Wohoo!!!
As the course date approached, I started worrying about the practical effects of some aspects of the course. The physical toll long sittings, the inability to talk to one’s family for 10 days, and finally the mental toll. I, for one, have not been great at sitting with my own emotions. Most of it has been how I was brought up. I solved most of my problems by myself. I struggled to ask for help, so I either solved the problem presented in front of me or kept running away from them until, one day, they are staring right down at you and there’s nowhere to go. But I deluded myself into thinking that everything is going to be alright! I have meditated before. I do not like being around my phone much. My need for stimulus on most days is minimal. So, I will be perfect, right...? right? Not really.
This is where the story of the course begins. But, before I start, I need to warn you that I am trying my best not to lie or exaggerate any details, intentionally. I am trying my best to remember all of the details. It is important to state this because, not lying directly or indirectly is one of five main precepts[1] of the course, and I intend to maintain this particular precept as much as possible[2].
Day 0 - August 19th
3:30 PM - I give my phone to the office staff and proceed to my room. The room is very basic, yet comfortable. There is a private washroom with each room, which is a relief. We have an orientation at 7:30 PM wherein the staff (Dhamma sewak or Dhamma helper) educates us on the five precepts, including Noble Silence. Noble Silence meant that one can’t speak, make eye contact, or do gestures to communicate with other students.
After the session ended, we retired to our rooms knowing that we won’t necessarily be speaking for the next nine or so days.
As I enter my room and go about my nightly wind-down schedule, I realize that I can’t listen to my favorite podcast to get through my multi-step process. Well, nothing can be done now, so I keep moving forward and retire to bed - knowing quite well that I need to wake up at 4 AM.
Day 1 - August 20th
4 AM - The gong rings. I am disoriented because I do not have a clock in my room to check the time. The gong rings a few more times. A sewak passed in front of every room with a small bell to indicate it’s time to wake up. Things started making sense now, it was time to wake up. I freshen up and head to main Dhamma Hall.
The first meditation is supposed to be a two-hour long meditation. The longest sitting I had ever done was one hour long. I immediately start thinking - how would I ever get through these two hours?
A bhajan (song) starts. The bhajan lasts for what felt like a really, really long time. The voice of the late S.N. Goenka (referred to as Guru ji hereafter) comes through the speakers loud and clear. After the bhajan ends (about 15-20 mins), guru ji starts teaching us Aana Pana meditation. Focusing on the triangular area starting from the nose and ending at the top of the lips. Focusing on the flow of the air. If the mind gets distracted, we bring it back gently with a mental note, i.e. “my mind has been distracted”.
I change my leg positions every 10 minutes or so, as it is hard to sit cross-legged for more than that amount of time. The session ends at 6:30 AM and there’s a sigh of relief that what was thought as an impossibility is now done — a two hour session.
We get breakfast at 6:30 AM. After the meal, we clean our plates and place them on a small utensil stand at our designated seat. The meals hereafter would be vegetarian, clean, less spicy, and with limited options. The last proper meal everyday would be at 11 AM.
Sessions are ongoing throughout the day and we are moving in and out of main Dhamma hall. Our last main session is from 6 PM to 7 PM. At 7 PM, there is a video discourse that is a pre-recorded lecture of Guru ji based on the day of the program. The lecture was 1.5-hour long. We do a quick meditation from 8:30 PM to 9 PM and then finally, retire to our rooms.
After reaching the room, some things are different. I have the urge to get my night routine done asap so I can sleep. I know that I have to wake up again at 4 AM tomorrow. That’s the only thought at the top of my head.
Day 2 - August 21st
Describing Day 2 is very difficult. Or maybe it isn’t. It was horrible, painful, and brought me to the verge of leaving the program.
The day started with a lot of friction. I slowly wade my way through my morning schedule to make it into the hall by 4:30 AM.
As the sessions went along, some parts of me started breaking down. My body was hurting, especially my lower back. The ache was somewhat manageable, but then my brain started bringing up a lot of past regrets. Maybe the body ache helped, it took away from me the moments where I’ll be in my head and would force me to be with my body. Every regret, every mistake I’ve made, they started bubbling up on the surface.
Now, with a few days' distance from this experience, I understand what happened. When you’re by yourself, your brain brings up its true essence.
By the late afternoon’s 4-hour meditation sessions (refer schedule), I had made up my mind that I was leaving. It felt like mental torture. There was no escape. The body was screaming, the mind was screaming. It was UNBEARABLE. I thought about all the people I’d disappoint.
- My friends back at home
- My friend who is also doing the course
- Family
- Myself
I had to catch myself time and again to not make this about disappointing others — as this is something I’ve let myself be swayed by earlier and it had harmed me quite a bit. But still, in my head, I was figuring out the process of getting out; whom would I have to talk to, where would I get my devices from, and how would I let my friend know — on the 10th day — that I had to leave because I could not take it anymore.
After the 6 PM meditation, I thought I’d watch the video discourse — because it was an easy thing to do — and then figure out how to leave. At some point in the 1.5 hour discourse, Guru ji said a couple of things:
- Most people who leave, leave around Day 2 or Day 6. These are the days when your brain is the most irritated. One would want to leave and some would. But you are in the middle of a very deep operation of your own self wherein things that were deep within are now coming at the surface, if you leave now, those exposed parts will be very, very hard to deal with.
- This is, possibly, a once in a lifetime opportunity because getting a 10-day isolation window is hard to carve out.
The thought that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity stuck in my head. After a brief meditation session, I walked a bit to understand if I wanted to go through with this or give up. My wandering mind in search for a solution latched on to the book “Man’s search for meaning”. The book is about a Jewish man — Dr. Viktor Frankl — who writes about his experience of the concentration camps. He also came up with Logotherapy. His core thesis is that the primary motivational force of individuals is to find meaning in life. At that moment, I thought that to get through this, I need to give this journey some meaning. I came across a familiar friend that has guided me through a lot of difficult tasks in life — Can I do this? Can I finish this incredibly difficult thing?
As I walked into my room with this thought in my head, everything seemed like a challenge more than a burden under which I’d disintegrate and collapse. Two things became my mantra:
- Can I finish this?
- Once in a lifetime opportunity
My body was screaming when I tried to lie down to sleep so I put on some Volini on my lower back and on my right shoulder. After a while, my body calmed down and I fell asleep with my mantras at the back of my head and a resolve to not give up.
Day 3/4/5 - August 21st, 22nd, and 23rd
I do not remember much from these days in terms of how deeply miserable I was. But I do remember wanting to go home after every 2-3 sessions and reminding myself why I need to continue.
On Day 4, they taught us the Vipassana meditation technique. The technique involves segmenting your body into multiple parts (20-30 parts)[3], moving your attention through those parts, and waiting for a sensation to arrive where your focus is. The core logic was that a sensation — tingling, heat, cold, throbbing —- would be thrown by the subconscious and you need to train your subconscious to let things go, the more you do it, the more the subconscious is in play, and the deeper cravings or aversions show up. This was very difficult to do because more often than not no sensation would arrive.
They also asked us to not move at all, in some of the 1-hour meditation sessions, which was very, very taxing on the body. In a normal session, as soon as my body starts hurting, I would change my leg position (every 10 mins or so). However, post this instruction I was able to reduce it to 3-4 times in an hour, with the goal of reducing it even further.
I also struggled with sleep on one or two of the nights. My body wanted some escape, but none came. I stared into ceiling until sleep came. There was also some amount of anxiety of not getting enough sleep and struggling the next morning. It was difficult, but nothing as difficult as Day 2.
Thoughts came, sadness came, guilt came, happiness came, anxiety came, yet all passed.
Every evening I would wait for the video discourse. Wait for Guru ji to crack some jokes and laugh a little after a tiring day. The discourse kept me going. I think it kept most of us going.
Day 6 - August 24th
I remember this day because of two reasons: one is the feeling that I have crossed 50% of the course and the other being, Guru ji mentioned how on the 6th day, one’s body would revolt again. For me, the revolution did not come, rather a sort of surrender did. The morning bell was still irritating, but I just gave in to it.
I also started experimenting with eating lesser food during the day to see how my body reacts. I felt less sleepy during the meditation sessions.
At this point, my right shoulder blade had started acting up along with my lower back, and my knees.
Day 7/8 - August 25th and 26th
These days were difficult because I was getting into a deeper state of misery. The sessions were shorter and longer at the same time. Shorter because the body and brain was getting used to these sessions. Longer because new emotions would constantly arise and not always get resolved.
I was now able to sit still for the whole 1-hour session.
Day 9 - August 27th
I could feel that there’s some amount of joy in the air, knowing that it will all be over soon. I am counting down the # of sessions, as well as noting down how this is the second-to-last time that I am waking up early in the morning, bathing here, eating lunch here, etc.
I am excited to see what the final day’s schedule is like. Guru ji’s discourse moved towards revising the concepts and setting us up for future success.
We were told that a few things would happen on Day 10:
- We would have lesser meditation sessions (~6 hours).
- We would be able to talk to other students after the 10 AM meditation session.
- We would be given our devices at around 4 PM.
I slept that night thinking that I was almost through, feeling proud and exhausted. Wanting to get out of the place, still.
Day 10 - August 28th
4 AM - I woke up with an internal glee, with the sound of the bell not being as annoying as it was on the days before. Counting down the number of hours I have left to meditate. Counting down the number of hours I get to check on my parents. The meditations felt easier in a way because I knew everything I did would be the last session in this torturous journey.
10 AM - We are taught Maitri (friendship) meditation. In the meditation, we were asked to forgive people who did us wrong and wish good for everyone. I was able to forgive some people who'd wronged me — and, to some extent, myself as well.
11 AM - We can finally speak. I notice people sharing their experiences. I noted that this is the most I have heard men talk about their feelings, probably ever. That was good to witness. I talked to a few fellow students. They shared their struggles. Everyone was struggling in one way or another. Some here because they are getting over a traumatic incident, some because they just discovered meditation and want to know more about it, some because they have a major exam to prepare for and they are having self doubts. Everyone had their own story, their own challenges, their own motivations. And all of us had spent 10 days going through something, something isolating.
By talking to others, I start to realize a few things that I have learnt through this experience.
- Self-centered - I used to make things about myself. Me. Me. Me. I still do, but I am glad that I can catch it in action now. This makes me more empathetic and kind towards others.
- Vipassana - The way Vipassana meditation works is by asking your conscious and subconscious to let go of these loops, thought processes that keep us hostage. Imagine having a very, very strong traumatic incident in your life. This incident occupies your whole being. You struggle with it over a period of time. Time heals some bits of it. Some remain. However, by letting go off things constantly in this 10-day window, you let go of this top-level traumatic event, giving space to more subtler thoughts related to this incident, and then you let that go too. Slowly, you find a way out because you have witnessed the root cause of your misery.
- The Painting Analogy - Guru ji mentioned in one of the lectures a story of an artist.
The artist paints a picture, a scary one through his own imagination. As soon as he finishes it, he is scared out of his mind. He is traumatized by the created image. He is tortured day and night with that picture.
The artist paints another picture, a beautiful one through his own imagination. As soon as he finishes it, he falls in love with it. He spends all his time admiring it. He spends all his time in love.
I think you get the gist. In both cases, the artist created the picture by himself. His craving or aversion was self created. He lived in the prison that he built around himself. Like I do a lot of times.
- Grief Cycles - After a hurtful incident in your life, it takes you weeks, months, or even years for its impact to ease up. This 10-day course — for better or for worse — compresses those grief cycles. My personal metric was that it compressed ~3-6 months of my grief into 10 days. I feel lighter now.
- Forgiveness - Forgiving someone truly frees you from constant misery. It does more for you than it does for them. Forgiveness is not easy, and in some cases, almost impossible. It is not easy, but it does help.
- Sine Wave - This was one of the most interesting revelations. In the process of letting go, Guru ji explains that every thought that we get, no matter how strong or weak, always passes. Always. Like a sine wave. This visualization helps when a very, very strong thought gets hold of you.
- Lying - Not speaking any lies in those 10 days — either white lies, obfuscation, or by the way of exaggeration — has given me a new tool to work with. Every time one lies, they create knots in their mind that might take a long time to untangle. Living a life where I do not have to lie is the most beneficial thing I can do. I am going to ingrain this in my life as much as I can.
4 PM - I got my mobile back. The first thing I did was call my parents. They were happy to hear my voice. I too was happy that nothing major had happened while I was away — which was one of my major concerns.
9 PM - The day ended with a discourse to keep us on track for the future meditation sessions and with a god-awful revelation, that we have to wake up at 4 AM one last time. I was truly disappointed (lol). But it will all be over soon, so I slept as soon as I could, so I could wake up and go home.
Day 11 - August 29th
4 AM - I woke up on time and was, sort of, looking forward to the session. The session was a breeze. There was a video discourse where Guru ji prepared us further and then there was a 30-minute long Maitri meditation.
6:30 AM - We were finally free. I felt a sigh of relief. Relief of getting over this experience. Relief that I saw myself through.
8:30 AM - Rubal, a new friend I made in the course, and I, left from the place and were discussing our experiences along the way.
11 AM - I was finally home. Finally, finally, finally, I was home! I was relieved and proud.
I was saved by Volini (body pain) and Victor Frankl (emotional pain). I used them everyday in one way or another. Thank you to both!
Is Vipassana for you?
So, is Vipassana the right thing for you? I have been asked this question a few times since I came back. My answer has evolved over the past couple of weeks. As with a lot of things, it depends. I will try to answer it to the best of my ability, but this is just one person’s thought process. Please bear that in mind.
If you are going through a deeply miserable time in your own life, it is going to be hard, very hard. This is how I’d sum it up: The deeper the misery, the deeper the pain, the bigger the reward. It can break you, but you will come out lighter or I hope you do.
If you have gone through a tough time in the past or are in a good place, this experience will help you lead a better life.
Vipassana in itself is not a complete solution to all your life’s problems. It probably involves improving other facets of your life. But I hope you do take up this endeavor and see the positive changes in your life.
The way forward for me
I have been thinking about this question. Things happen slower. I can pay more attention and for longer durations. But for the first week or so after Vipassana, I did not feel like meditating. It felt heavy. The act of sitting to meditate would trigger a bodily reaction.
But after more than two weeks, it is better. I have been able to meditate an hour every other day and that’s okay for now. It helps me focus better, sit deeper with some feelings, and watch them pass.
I would like to continue for the foreseeable future. I may or may not do the 10-day course again. But I would attempt to do a 3-day course — that’s now an option since I’ve done a 10-day course — so I can reset some parts of myself.
Funny things that happened
- The Getaway Car - The car parking could be seen from one end of the 50m walkway where we could walk. I would look at that car in the first few days and plan my escape.
- Uncle who wanted to talk - There was one person who was not interested in Noble Silence, so he would try to talk to people.
- Guy who pet the dog - There were a few cute doggos around us. One guy pet the doggos, but was scolded by the assistant teacher for interrupting his practice.
- Mantras - Guru ji would sing a mantra towards the end of every session: Bhavatu Sab Mangalam (everyone be happy). On the last day, the mantra was much, much slower. Considering I was waiting for it to end, those extra 10 seconds felt like 10 minutes.
That’s about it. Thank you for reading! <3
Notes
[1] There are total eight precepts of a Dhamma Vipassana course. However, only five are stated explicitly during the course. The rest are enforced by design.
[2] I will allow myself to lie as long as it is in the service of others and not in the service of me covering up my own mistakes or massaging my ego.
[3] Everyone had their own way of segmenting their body. Some divided their head into 5 parts while some divided it into 10. There is no wrong way to do it.