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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I, a woman in my 20s, met this guy off the apps, and we hit it off decently well. We’ve gone on two dates: first for drinks, and then a second time for dinner. Both instances have ended up with us hooking up and him sleeping over at my place until the morning. The sex is good! I like him, and I’m excited to see where this goes. The problem is what happened after the second hookup.
A few days later, we were texting (we’ve engaged in at least a few texts a day since we started seeing each other), and he mentioned that he wanted to let me know he’d paused his apps and wasn’t hooking up with anyone else. He said he was excited about me and wanted me to know. I thanked him and then awkwardly changed the conversation. We haven’t addressed this or seen each other since. We’re making plans to see each other again, but I’m not sure how I feel about him saying that!
It feels almost too soon to be making such a declaration about not having sex with other people. I have hooked up with others since our first date, and now I feel weird about that. But I guess it’s also not a bad thing since he’s clearly expressing his interest. I probably should’ve talked more about where I’m at when he said it, and instead I took the easy way out. I feel like we have to have this talk next time we see each other. But how do I figure this out? Is two dates too soon? I like him, I like the sex—I’m just not sure! I’m a little spooked by the seriousness of it, but maybe pausing sex with others doesn’t have to be so serious. Any advice for the conversation, or otherwise figuring out where I stand?
—Paused
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Rich Juzwiak: I think the primary issue here isn’t that this guy deleted his apps; it’s that he ran and told her seemingly immediately after he did it. That, I find suspicious.
Jessica Stoya: And over text message. I think she’s overly owning the awkwardness and responsibility for having had a real conversation here. He’s the one who broached this subject over text message, which then leaves her with either awkwardly changing the subject or having a conversation over text message that really ought to be done in person because, in person, you get the body language, tone of voice, and energy in the air that helps you understand how serious this is.
Rich: Yes, and to that end, I think that her reaction was actually perfect. When somebody you want to keep talking to, but maybe not about this or in this particular way, drops something like that, changing the conversation says a lot, I think, if he’s willing to receive it, which he might not be, given that he’s the type of person who will delete the apps and then report it after two hookups.
Jessica: In terms of direct communication, A-plus with extra credit would’ve been to say, “That is a whole conversation that I am excited to have next time we see each other face to face.” But also, she’s in her 20s. There’s only so much you can expect.
Rich: He really could just be excited and one of those people who verbalizes what’s going on. Maybe he’s extremely emotionally intelligent, even. This move could be a sign of that because it seems like he’s very much in touch with where he is. But I also worry about it being kind of coercive. Or the reason why he said it is that he potentially wants to set the tone. He wants her to then reciprocate, and then he’s setting the terms for this relationship when, in fact, it should be a conversation. They should each be deciding this.
Jessica: I cannot believe that we have swapped roles in the “suspicion of heterosexual men” dynamic. That is definitely possible and something to be extremely watchful for. He could also be her age and completely incompetent at communicating his feelings in a way that is developmentally pretty typical, and possibly experiencing this kind of desire to focus on one relationship to see how it goes for the first time.
Rich: Yeah, that’s true.
Jessica: So it could just be an innocent but major facepalm. And there are basically so many sets of norms around these things. Generally, for most people in the part of the world I live in, if you go putting your mouth on someone else’s mouth or letting them put their mouth on yours, you’re dating. That was the discussion. That was the overture and the agreement because that’s the dominant norm. Whereas in New York, the dominant norm is that we’re going to have to discuss for 90 minutes in earnest what we’re OK with doing, what we’re willing to do, what we want to do, and what all of these things mean. Neither way is better, but especially in cities where you get a huge mixture of people from different cultural backgrounds, it can get really chaotic because you’ve got two people assuming the norm they are used to is, in fact, the norm.
It’s also hilarious where I live. Every once in a while I’ll find myself having to explain to a fellow Westerner, “Oh yeah, they think you’re dating because, according to the norm here, you’re dating. The same as how in Brooklyn, you’re not dating unless you have a conversation about it. It’s the opposite here. If you don’t want to be dating people, you’ve got to use your words before you touch lips.”
Rich: It does seem like she’s kind of caught between these norms. She’s caught between what he has suggested, at least in terms of what he’s thinking, and what she wants. Left to her own devices, I think it’s very clear from this letter that she would not have been talking about this. She hooked up with other people since their first hookup. And so now, whether he intends it or not, she feels a kind of pressure to have this conversation that she’s not necessarily even ready to have and then, to perhaps conform.
If someone does something like this and you are asking whether it’s too early, it’s probably too early for you. Can you deal with it being too early? Can you deal with him being ahead of where you are while you still figure it out? Or is that going to cause issues just in terms of a mismatch of expectations? That’s something that you probably need to just play out. You can’t really judge that from this vantage point.
Jessica: It’s also helpful to tease apart things that we do often assume come together as a set. So he doesn’t want to see anyone else. Does that mean anything for his expectations of her behavior? He might be fine with her continuing to see other people, so something like: “I’m going to follow what I’m feeling, and you follow what you’re feeling, and if it works out, great.” So let’s try not to assume too much headed into the conversation; have the conversation face-to-face because you’ll catch little hints of red flags a lot easier in person.
Rich: I think that scenario that you just drew of him being like, “I’m going to go at my pace; you go at yours,” would be something that I would take as a real positive from that situation. I’d think he’s willing to work with me, and that it isn’t coercion; he’s just expressing himself. I feel like if somebody said that during a conversation about how serious we are and I’m feeling not so serious, I’d leave that conversation, if I already like him, a little bit more serious about him. A little bit like, “OK, actually I can work with this. He’s respecting my autonomy. He’s not defining his feelings in terms of mine.” That would be a really good sign for me and would probably make me that much closer to deleting the apps.
Jessica: But it’s also that those words delivered face-to-face can have vocal inflection, for instance, that signals, “Oh, this man is completely full of nonsense and trying to manipulate by giving a performance of being a super relaxed, progressive, nice guy.” So it’s super crucial to be able to pick up on all that unspoken information.
Rich: Also, I would say don’t worry too much about just one conversation. It can be an ongoing conversation. As long as you’re not completely turned off by the first talk, this can come up again in different ways, and you can kind of check in. You don’t have to put all the eggs in the basket of this one talk. This can now be a kind of thread in the relationship, as you choose to pursue it or not.
Jessica: If it is a situation where he needs a firm resolution and commitment right now, that lets her know that, whether he’s manipulating her on purpose or is simply very rigid in a certain way, this isn’t going to work. I think we should address how she feels weird now about how she approached this. I don’t think she did anything wrong.
Rich: No. I think she played it very well. I don’t think any of this would be happening if he hadn’t said something. So he created the issue within her. I don’t think she did anything other than be somebody that he wants to see more of.
Jessica: And there might be a layer that’s been brought up inside her of ideas about how women are supposed to behave that she doesn’t agree with, but got in there early. But she’s an autonomous person. They’re in a place where it is not the majority norm to assume monogamy without any sort of discussion of it, and until he texted her that he had paused his apps—and mind you, he only paused them—it doesn’t sound like she was given any indication that this is where he was going. He wasn’t like, “By the way, I’m a kind of Christian that believes in saving myself until I’ve found the person I believe I’m going to marry,” or, “My parents come from a culture where we have these sorts of expectations.” Nothing about that is described. So there’s no way for her to have known, and she was behaving in a way that is completely in line with typical ways of doing things.
Rich: I wonder what your thoughts are on the subtext here being that he’s coming on strong, and it might be too strong for her. Should she indicate that in the initial conversation or wait until later ones? If you want to keep talking to this guy, but you want to tell him to pump the brakes, then at that point, you should probably be more gentle. Whereas if he’s coming on strong and you never want to see him again, it’s like, “Get away from me. You’re coming on too strong.”
Jessica: She can start with: “Hey, can we talk about that text message? Great.” If he’s like, “I need to know what kind of grass you want behind the white picket fence that I’m planning on applying for a loan for tomorrow,” then you deal with that. If he’s like, “I don’t know, I just had these feelings, and then there was an impulse, and then I wanted to tell you. I’m trying to communicate. Did that make you feel weird? I’m sorry.” Then you go, “Yeah, it kind of made me wonder if you’re more serious than I am comfortable with right now.” You’ve just got to be flexible in the moment. Also, if the conversation goes sideways, unless she is actively malicious and humiliates him on purpose, she still didn’t do anything wrong.
It can be awkward. It can be uncomfortable. It can be hurtful for him to some degree, and she still won’t have done anything wrong.
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My boyfriend was recently showing me a folder on his phone full of pictures of me and accidentally showed me another folder with pictures of other women. He was really upset and apologetic. And although seeing his spank bank doesn’t make me feel good, I assured him that he hadn’t done anything wrong. I do really believe he hasn’t done anything wrong. The problem is that seeing the folder has made me lose sexual interest in him.